Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
i've created a new STD.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
