Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Still dying that you shit outside
I AM VODKA MAN
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
