Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
