On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I think people are normalizing furries
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
