you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
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