3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
