he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
