i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Randomize
