im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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