the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
