I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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