can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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