My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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