Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
