Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
