No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
