I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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