In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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