you're like a bully in the Christmas story
barbara walters just said penis...
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
