I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
