I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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