Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Drake has all the answers
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
