Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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