I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
