i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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