My boss' voice literally gives me gas
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
