Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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