i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
