i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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