Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
