ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Randomize
