i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Randomize
