It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
