If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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