If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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