Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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