Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
