Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
where are you?
Hypothermia
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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