he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
