speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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