Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
