who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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