Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
the day after is always just damage control
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
