Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
