When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Randomize
