His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
