I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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