I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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