I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
