I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
