I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Randomize
